[THEME SONG FADES IN]

[SFX “DOG” NOISES]

WINIFRED:

Aw, Ceolacanth. There’s my handsome boy. What am I doing? I’m making a podcast trailer for Good Morning Evildoers. Why? Well, for evil!

We need to let folks who might like the podcast know what we’re all about. Then when they listen, we can harvest their cerebral emanations to feed That Which Lurks Beyond The Void.

Fans of cannibals or killer robots or cryptids should definitely tune in, isn’t that right, my sweet boy?

[SFX “DOG” NOISES]

As well as anyone who enjoys underwater volcano lairs, escaped homunculi, and karaoke. And they can pick up all kinds of tips! HR guidance, the importance of professional development, and even which arcane practitioners of the necromantic arts to trust.

And which ones not to. Because we don’t trust Victor Frankenstein. No we don’t! No we don’t!

NARRATOR:

Good Morning Evildoers. Your favorite new podcast.

[THEME SONG CUTS HARD TO SILENCE]

Or else.

[SWITCH OFF SOUND]

(Super Duper theme music plays)

(door opens quickly)

NEVAEH
Alright, alright, I’m here.

CAMREN
Took you long enough.

SYDNEY
We’ve been waiting for hours.

NEVAEH
You’ve been waiting for ten minutes. (deep breath) Now then. Liar Liar, Absolute Zero.

CAMREN
Providence.

NEVAEH
We have some things to discuss.

SYDNEY
I’ve heard rumors that Solis and Mosaic are actually trying to follow through on those favors we asked for. Jury’s out on whether they’ll succeed, of course, but this could turn out really good for us.

CAMREN
I want it known that I do not approve of this plan. Even if we get all these favors—it isn’t worth Mosaic’s safety.

NEVAEH
He’s fine, Camren.

CAMREN
No, he isn’t. He’s not safe around those hero-types. Solis could betray him long before he ever gets around to betraying them.

NEVAEH
We have to trust that Mosaic can look after himself.

CAMREN
Yeah right. The kid’s only nemesis is allergic to killing people and popularly known as “baby’s first hero.” If Solis turns him in to the other Paragons, he’s toast.

NEVAEH
(long sigh) Camren…

CAMREN
All I’m saying is, if we don’t do something, they’re going to do something. It is us versus them, Nevaeh, and it always has been.

NEVAEH
You think I don’t know that?

CAMREN
I think Mosaic might be forgetting.

NEVAEH
We have a plan, okay? We’re going to follow the plan.

CAMREN
You’re going to drive us into the ground, Providence.

NEVAEH
Dammit, Az, watch it. We’re sticking with the plan, whether you like it or not. Just… don’t do anything stupid, okay? That’s an order.

CAMREN
Sure, of course. You’re the boss.

-SCENE CUT-

CAMREN
😏 Here… we… go.

(quiet footsteps)

CAMREN
Solis should be on their patrol at this time of night… Aha. There they are, right on time.

(footsteps creeping up)

CAMREN
Solis.

JUDE
Wha-

(ice freezing over)

CAMREN
There we go. Don’t fight it, it’ll just wear you out.

(walking closer)

CAMREN
How’s it feel, being completely frozen? I don’t get to do this often. Usually you’re Mosaic’s problem. Not anymore.

(circling Jude)

CAMREN
(humming cheerily) Hmm hmm hmm! Ah, I like you better like this. Quiet. Still.

(ice starts to crack)

CAMREN
Nah ah ah!

(ice refreezes)

CAMREN
Solis… You’re a smart person. You must understand that it is in your best interests to support Mosaic. Because if you hurt him…

(ice shatters)

CAMREN
I’ll leave you frozen for much, much longer.

JUDE
(tired groan)

CAMREN
This is just a warning. And a gentle one, at that.

JUDE
I- C-c-can’t-

CAMREN
Aw, fuck. Might’ve left you frozen for too long.

JUDE
M-M-M-Mosaic-

CAMREN
Don’t tell anyone about this. Or next time, it’ll be worse. (mutters) Besides, I can’t afford to get in trouble with the guild again.

(Camren runs away)

JUDE
Hnn…

(Jude stumbles and falls)

(sounds fade out, fade back in)

NEVAEH
(over the phone) So you’re coming home tonight?

APOLLO
Yes, I’m coming home. But-

NEVAEH
I know. I won’t… It’s okay. And I talked to the guys, they should calm down a little.

APOLLO
Thank you. I… I’m sorry for yelling. And leaving. I just… needed some time away.

NEVAEH
I get it. Can I ask who you ended up staying with?

APOLLO
(embarrassed) Jude…

NEVAEH
Ooh la la.

APOLLO
Nothing happened! We just talked. And I met their cat.

NEVAEH
Oh wow. So if you weren’t in love with them before, you totally are now.

APOLLO
(groans) You are the worst. I- Uh, wait.

NEVAEH
What’s wrong?

APOLLO
Um- Hello? Sir? Er, ma’am? Are you… okay?

NEVAEH
Don’t approach strangers, Apollo.

APOLLO
I think they’re hurt. I’m hanging up.

NEVAEH
What- That is not good safety etiquette for meeting strangers on the street!

APOLLO
I’ll be home soon.

(hangs up, walks closer)

APOLLO
Excuse me, are you okay?

JUDE
N-Need… M-M-Mosaic…

APOLLO
Oh fuck, Solis!

(Apollo runs closer, helps Jude to their feet)

APOLLO
Shit, you’re so cold… How long have you been out here in the snow?

JUDE
S-So… C-C-Cold…

APOLLO
Dammit… God, your super suit feels thin as hell. Okay, come on, I’ll help you to my apartment, it’s nearby. Take my coat.

JUDE
(groans)

(sounds fade, come back in as Apollo helps Solis into his apartment)

APOLLO
Here, sit on the couch for a bit. I’ll go find… some blankets, I guess.

JUDE
Mhmm…

(Apollo moves around the apartment, gathering blankets)

APOLLO
Here. Your clothes don’t feel too wet, I guess that’s one good thing about your suit. You lean back against the couch while I tuck you in, just- Stay awake, okay? Fuck, you’re so cold…

(tucking the blankets around Solis)

APOLLO
What do I do? I can’t call the tower, they would find out about- about- Goddammit! But you’re in really rough shape. What’s the best way to warm someone up without putting them into shock!?

(keys jangle, doors open, Nevaeh walks in and then freezes in place)

NEVAEH
What. The fuck.

APOLLO
Shit. Nevaeh- This isn’t what it looks like.

NEVAEH
How? How is it not what it looks like? (hisses) You are in your goddamn civvies, and they-

APOLLO
Shh, they don’t know!

NEVAEH
They don’t- What?

APOLLO
I don’t think they’re even fully conscious, I- I’m really worried, Nevaeh, I don’t know what to do. They’re so cold and they haven’t been responding to me when I talk to them and they aren’t even shivering anymore and I- Nevaeh, I’m scared.

NEVAEH
Goddammit, Apollo, Solis is your enemy. Your nemesis! You should’ve left them to die wherever it was that you found them.

APOLLO
(sharply) It’s not like that and you know it, Nevaeh. Don’t- Don’t fucking talk like that.

NEVAEH
God, you’re soft.

APOLLO
(pleading) Please. Please help me.

NEVAEH
… (sigh) Well, you’re their damn boyfriend, aren’t you? Snuggle the fucker.

APOLLO
Will- Will that help?

NEVAEH
Yeah, body heat or whatever. Best way to warm someone up safely. Are their clothes wet?

APOLLO
No, I think the super suit’s waterproof.

NEVAEH
Good. Just… Take off any extra layers and then get under the blankets with them. They should start to warm up.

APOLLO
(relieved) Thank you, Nevaeh.

NEVAEH
Yeah, yeah. Now leave me alone.

(Nevaeh walks away, Apollo gets under the blankets)

APOLLO
(shaky sigh) (quietly) I… I don’t like how much I need you.

(pause)

APOLLO
You’re important to me. You’ve been a big part of my life ever since I became a villain, I- I can’t let go of that.

(pause, blankets shuffle)

APOLLO
I’m… happy to have met you. Even in the way I did, with the way I was.

(pause)

APOLLO
God, I hope this turns out okay.